Reading the post Why I don’t want my kid growing up normal written by Larinnac, I was deeply moved and would wish to have a mom like that. But in fact, I had a regular childhood and regular adolescence, as most of Chinese kids. We were so disciplined at home and at school, growing up to be a normal citizen and asking ourselves to be good. “Learn well, play moderately and keep safe, then you will have a better future,” my mom always told me. Although she didn’t mean that the present was unlivable, she always made us to dream the future. What is the freedom? We never questioned it.
I lived in a small village and at that time, the only way to leave the countryside was attending a college. “You will have a better life in a big city,”my mom encouraged me and I did believe the logic between a big city and a better life. So I did my best to be a good girl at shool. Then, more doors opened for me. I finally went to a medium city for my bachelor, then a big big city for ma graduate study.I finally I went abroad. Now I live in a country that my mom would never thought of twenty years ago.
Literature told me to be “Me”, to challenge stereotypes, to dream big and to try the impossible. I love literature. But still, for most of my life, I lived a normal life. Every time I came back home, my mom repeated:”learn well, play modestly and keep safe.” The longer distance between us caused her bigger worries.
Now I have a daughter and I am open for various ideas which my mom could never accept. Unconsciously, I tell my kid every day, “learn well and keep safe”, as if I become another person who’s identity is only “Mom”. “No!””No!””No!” I intervene my daughter’s freedom. Maybe because she has a fragile health and I don’t want her to take risks to be sick? Maybe I was too protective and only believe in myself?
I don’t let her to ride too fast on her scooter, neither to jump into the cold water. I have strict rules when it comes to food, especially treats. I told her to be nice to everyone, even others might to jump into the line or happen to push her. “Be nice and never fight,” I asked her to remember.”Concentrate yourself when teacher talks,””Be patient and polite,””Read everyday”…
But sometimes, I gave up my “healthy ideas”.I told her that every kind of cloths has its proper charm and that T shirt and pants could make her more comfortable in sports. She insisted that the others girls in her class wear like princess with their dress. “OK, have common topics and make friends,” I tried to buy her more dresses and tell her stories of princess.
I’m a serious mom, as my mom was. I will push my daughter to love school and homework. I hope she will succeed in studies and have a college degree. As my mom, I have nothing to afford her future life and my concern is modest: “find a job first to feed your life”. To meet a prince? It’s just a chance. Personally, I respect all LGBT and support their fight for deserved rights, but I don’t wish my kid to be anormal. The society is big and violent, but you are so small.
Yes, my sweetie, you can be a princess, a giant, a superhero, but for me, I want you to be normal and live a safe life, because I’m a selfish mom and can’t afford to see your cry. I admire writers, singers, artistes, pop stars and super political women, but, but, if you are one of them, Oh my little heart, I can’t sleep well.
Even I know already that you will not listen to me, but listen to your hear, as I did to my mom’s wishes, I want you to be a normal girl. Anyway, what I want is not important, it’s only useful to comfort me. What you want is important, but wait until you are grown up. I’m preparing you for a decent situation, to offer you more choices for your own path. Maybe I am wrong, forgive me to love you so much.