When dinning with the whole family of Claire’s friend Anna, I was surprised to learn that her daddy was their cook. Both parents work and they share the house chores. It’s normal in U.S but appears so enviable for a traditional Chinese family, where the mother always does most of chores and ought to be responsible of their children’s education. Nowadays, since most of women work, families in China often involve the grandparents in the daily housework, especially including cooking and taking care of young children.
However, in big cities, when men seem take the situation for granted, women are easily disappointed with the absence of men in the family life. “He leaves all to me and doesn’t care anything.” It’s a common complaint when women get together, shrugging their shoulders. Although the family takes a smooth daily life, with all things done correctly, the wife tends to dream another life with a equal involvement in family from her partner. We have forgotten the reason why we married our husband, his personality which charmed us, his quality as a man, by focusing on his failure of being a father and a partner. “I know many good daddies, but I had no luck, neither my daughter.” sighed one mom.”Me neither.” followed another.
Little by little, our partner has lost all other identities but “being a farther” and the deficient farther, while he still expects all qualities from his wife, as being a good lover, a good mother and a good cook. “Always busy, busy, do you notice me? ” it’s the common complaint from the married men,”how lucky you are! our parents help us a lot, you should appreciate it.”
The gap is forming and becomes sometimes too large to bridge, even with the conciliation intention. Sometimes, wives tried to convince their husband to commit more to the family, but the reasoning always went wrong:”Look, that’s a model daddy!” Sometimes, husbands tried to revive their lovers with an effort to point out another model. This only made the dialogue dead.
“That’s others’ daddy!” my friend gave up her hope.
Yes! That’s others’ daddy! Why should we talk about it? Why are we so obsessed with the comparison? Why do we stick to the word Daddy to name our lover? Why do we tend to star at others’ shinning point and imagine the opposite of our partner? That’s others’ daddy, not mine, not yours.
Every family is different and every one is different. We will never copy other family’s model in order to produce the happiness in our own family.