We are all educators

Claire and I were lining up, waiting to get on a Fire Engine, one of the most popular attractions in the local Children’s museum. Kids can hold on and turn the steering-wheel. A simulated road view appears in front of them, making the driving experience more realistic. Claire had put on a fire fighter’s costume, already in an excited mood. The line was not long, with only two girls and their mom, while in the vehicle were seated two other girls who apparently  were much more older.

The big girls enjoyed a lot their new roles, forgetting others. More kids and parents came over and the line became longer. Claire nearly lost her patience while the little kids behind us pushed her. I calmed her down, showing that the two girls before her were just waiting quietly.

Another three minutes passed without any turn effected.

The lady on the head of the line moved towards the girl who was holding the steering. I could not hear what she was whispering. However, all parents in line understood that was related to the turn. The girl said nothing while her friend hurried to get down of the engine. After walking back to the line, the lady waited again.

One minute passed with nothing changed. Her girls turned their face and made a sign to leave. I was staring at the girl who now became the center of attention. Was she really innocent or mean?

“One last minute!” said seriously the same lady.

At the end of this last minute, the girl finally moved away. She got a “Thank you!” when the other two girls climbed up. Claire was excited, seeing that she was the next one. One minute later, she got her turn. At that moment, a little boy behind us jumped in and climbed into the big seat. He was about two years old but moved quickly as a squirrel. I suddenly held up Claire, who became confused. The lady was surprised too, “It’s her turn!” She was about to get the boy out while I just smiled and said, “it’s ok!”

The boy’s mom was two feet away, busy with his brother. I let Claire climb to sit beside the little boy. “Let him drive first, it’s a small boy.” I tried to explain but Claire just stared at me. The lady said nothing and left with her daughters.

I suddenly became guilty and angry with myself. I admired that lady who was bold to educate others’ kids. Most of the time, I do nothing to kids, pretending that thy are still kids and even unconscious about their wrong behaviors. I have more excuses: It’s their parents’ responsibility to correct them; It might be misunderstood by other grown-ups; It’s non of my business; I don’t want to make kids cry; It’s shameful to argue with a young kid…

My indulgence is really good thing for kids?  Is it another form of cynicisme? Regardless their age, kids should learn to share and to obey social rules. My tolerance to the little boy seemed a crime and I believe it was not appreciated by the lady, who showed me what was more important than being polite and generous.

It’s education! and the lesson might be beneficial not only to the kids who were educated on the scene but also to all others who were witnesses.

How to build up language confidence

Claire enjoys a lot her best friend and classmate Anna. Sometimes, she remains all day grumpy after a disagreement or a quarrel. Since good friends can go though little accident and learn from how to deal it by themselves, I never took seriously her complains and kept myself from being the referee.

One day, she was unusually mad and asked me seriously to stay at school next morning.

“For what?” I tried to figure it out.

“You will tell Anna that this is a U not a V!” she pointed at the word “Hug” printed on her cap.

“This is a U!” I confirmed, “she was just kidding!”

“No, she repeated this was a V. I told her but she thought she didn’t listen.” Claire was about to burst into tears.

“OK. Next time when I see her, I will tell her.”In fact, I just wanted to end this topic, which seemed insignificant.

“Will you tell her tomorrow?” she stared at me.

“OK! OK!” I was making short shrift.

“And don’t forget to tell her that it’s not good to wast hand soap. She always uses too much.” cheered Claire.

I didn’t tell Anna to recognize the right letter the next day. Claire kept reminding me my duty, even on the road to Anna’s house for a play date. I still did nothing, but hoped that Claire would forget it soon. For another reason, I still thought it wasn’t convenient to intervene children’s business.

Claire was disappointed. I could see. I told myself that thy were still best friends, even with this permanent small disagreement. They hugged tightly when Claire left school in the afternoon. The only thing was that Claire began to hate wearing her cap, which had been her favorite item for long time.

Weeks later, when I sent her in, she suddenly appeared frustrated. An idea stroked me and I stooped down to tell her, “I won’t forget to talk to Anna!”

I found her best friend at the play ground. Teachers were surprised to see me there, because usually I dropped my daughter in the classroom and she would go outside by herself to join the others. Anna was embarrassed to see me, for Claire was hiding behind me.

“Hi, Anna, shall we do a game? Guess what is this letter?” I pointed at the word “Hug” and tried to be as gentle as possible.

“U!” she answered in a tiny voice.

“Good job! Now you can hug!” I put Claire’s hand into Anna’s and pushed them together.

Why did I this? Did I intervene too much? At the parking, I had suddenly realized that recognizing the letter U or V was much more important to Claire than anything else. The two are all at the stage to learn alphabet. For Claire, confirming her capacity to learn well this foreign language is essential. She knew well that English is Anna’s native language and she admired native speakers. She could give in if someone pointed out her mistake in naming things or in her pronunciation.

I did that only to make my daughter believe in herself,  make her confident and comfortable with the new language. If she has the right answer but is doubted by others, she might have a inner battle. I must help her to win this battle, because it could be a milestone. She will encounter more language problems, but I wish that she would still have the courage to tell whoever that she is right, if it is.

Be assertive but not tough

One of the biggest difference between a Chinese classroom and an American classroom is the presence of discipline. Before coming to US, Claire had been in preschool for one and half years, which meant she was well “trained”. The first thing Chinese kids should learn at school is to sit still, with hands on the knees and eyes staring at the teacher.

One can easily imagine how noisy Claire found her new preschool. It’s a good thing to give kids freedom and respect their comfort. We were all cheered for such a lovable social climate. But for Claire, class organization was messy and confusing. She definitely was the most obedient girl at school, but sometimes didn’t know what to do in free time.

Two months later, she got much more used to the new rhythm of school life. Just one things bothered her: how to deal with those disobedient kids. When somebody did something wrong, she usually stood up and stopped him, even it was non of her business. Sometimes, she became very angry and even shouted, like a tough supervisor.

Claire’s main teacher used the word “assertive” to describe her, which made us bewildered. In China, teachers and parents loves those children who help to discipline the class. They are bossing around and gain the respect from most of the classmates. In general,the praise and the punishment are all very serious.

When Claire came home and told us how she stooped a boy from jumping into the line or grabbing others’ toys, we were reluctant to praise her, which made her confused. In stead, her daddy asked her to be nice to everyone and not to interrupt others. “You are a girl! Don’t be the boss! Make friends with everyone!” we tried to calm her down, while she still couldn’t bear others’ bad behaviors.

“She is brave!”, commented her main teacher, “which is good, especially in America.””But we don’t want her to be tough, even hated by others!” I admitted to be always over worried, “Yet, for a girl, isn’t it rude, if she takes everything seriously and tries to correct them?”

Later, we happened to discover a lot of picture books of school bullying. Our astonishment was big. Apparently, children in China are over protected. I naively thought that school was the perfect place to live together, with peace and happiness.

We began to hear Claire imitate one of her classmate who always says” I don’t care”. We were shocked by the sentence”I will shoot you” . Kids really repeat everything.  “Stop talking these junk words!” we scolded her. But when she had stopped other to say these words, we didn’t show any excitement. Sometimes, she came back home with tears and told me not to invite someone to her birthday party, although her birthday was far away. I never tried to confirm her judgments, believing that children at her age seldom know exactly what is hurting others. However, we are not proud of Claire’s boldness and continued to tell her to be nice and generous. “Don’t be the boss! Don’t quarrel! Teachers will judge!”

“It’s awesome to stop bad behaviors.” Having heard our concern, some friends supported Claire. We know it’s politically correct, but as parents, we would not like our  kid to be the hero. Are we wright?

Keep busy in summer

It was the first time that Claire refused to go to school. She got up  with a stuffy nose and complained about her tummy ache. “O.K.,” we said. She stayed home and enjoyed playing with me. We tried all games that I could imagine : puppet show, painting, writing, Lego, pretending, Playdough… I was exhausted.

The next day, she turned out better but remained reluctant to attend school. Her dad sent me a message: “You daughter refused to get off the car in the parking, so I took her to my office.” It was a wonderful day for Claire but a terrible one for her daddy. “I had no time to work!” sighed he.

The third day, she cried when we pushed her into the car. “No school, no school!” shouted she, as if we were so mean to her.

Almost everyone loves summer, which should be a playful and relaxing period. But I recently realized that kids would not agree with it. They may become very excited to go to the beach, even dream the Disneyland. But most of  the time, they think it’s boring. “it’s boring!” Claire commented on her school day, which surprised me.

Compared with various activities they took in the school year, summer is indeed boring. Her preschool is open to children whose parents need to work.However, most of their teachers take vacations and rotate for the day care. There are several activities, e.g. water play and crafts, but kids spend more time by themselves. At the preschool age, they are easy to be bored without being organized.

“But we paid a lot money for school,” Claire’s dad wanted to be serious, “School is fun and you should keep learning.” To a 4 year-old, reasoning is useless. All she thinks is playing joyfully. All she needs is not time to wonder, nor to stay with her swing, but time to discover new things.

At home, she asked me to be her teacher, who is on vacation now. We repeated the routine school day she had before summer camp : sing a morning song, story time, playing outside, snack time, gym time, art time, games, lunch, dance, writing, counting, etc. “Can we have a valentine’s day in this week? ” me asked she.

“Summer Camp is boring,” asserted she,”it’s silly.” We are disappointed with this situation, wondering if other camps would be a more interesting adventure. I searched information but most of thematic camps are offered to older children and last only for two weeks. We are already lucky to have a preschool which offers flexible hours.

As grownups, we allow ourselves to be lazy and slow in summer. Being busy is so tiring all the year around. We deserve a period with empty head. But kids works another way. They enjoy being busy all the time.

“You should go to school, be good, and then we can go Disneyland.” Sadly, we began to use the last strategy to cheer her up in the morning. Maybe it’s time to have vacation, to change, to satisfy her curiosity.

I heard a lot about “summer slide” for children. In China, summer is a very busy period for kids, especially in big cities. They need to attend different summer schools for maths, English and all kinds of art skill. If they stay at home with TV, they lose not only knowledge but also the studying habit and their curiosity  of learning. School can hopefully keep them busy, while the busy TV at home can only make them inactive.

How to celebrate a Father’s day

This Sunday is Father’s day. Since last week, I wonder how to celebrate it, without any idea yet. My mailbox keeps informing me sales and special discounts in stores; School reminds all dads that they can have a donuts treat after sending in children the Friday morning; Claire thought maybe it would be a good occasion to ask for a new toy. But I remain a little unsatisfied at the idea of writing a card and dining in a restaurant, although Claire’s Dad would probably say nothing about this easy celebration.

On Mother’s day, Claire and me enjoyed so many amazing activities : the school organized a tea party; moms got together and played with kids; we were all thrilled to receive crafts and presents prepared even several weeks ago; we read many relevant picture books; Claire drew pictures to name me “Best Mom”; kisses, hugs and “I love you” reiterated all day… But non of these seems suitable to be repeated on a Father’s day. Maybe the relationship between a dad and his kid is more complex and we don’t know how to express it besides a simple hug. Making a heart-shape cookie and writing colorful words “I love you dad” would be a little too feminine?

In China, for the majority of families, mothers take the main role of raising children and fathers work and spare their free time to do more serious activities than playing silly games with kids. It’s a frequent scene at the library, a learning center or a playground: a mom with her child and a dad seated aside staring at his phone. For my husband, as for many other dads, spending family time means driving wife and child to a place, waiting and finally paying the bill. “She loves more to play with You,”explains Peng each time I ask him to  accompany Claire when both of us are available.

I picked several children’s book from the library, most of which show the activities that Dad and his kid do together: sports, sports, sports ! They also show kids’ admiration for their dad, by comparing them to superheros, giants, and magicians… Strong, Fast, Brave, Powerful, and Successful ! Dad is someone whom we are proud of, especially on Father’s day.

Claire enjoys a lot Peppa Pig, the funny British cartoons which portrays a more playful dad and  a more smart Mom. But she doesn’t want to have a such silly dad and sometimes makes joke on him. Maybe, as a mom, I would enjoy the playful scene of a dad and his kid, but can’t bear to have it as a daily overwhelming scene. Because of jealousness? I’m a little picky, I know.

In a family of three, it’s hard to balance and distribute our love. Peng complains that I care too much about Claire and sometimes forget him. I’m not satisfied with him either, pointing out the lack of his involvement in family time. Every one is so busy, doing what he thinks the wright way to make a better life. We even don’t mind if these daily accusations took place in the presence of Claire. One day, at Claire’s classroom, I noticed a report of children’s answers about their parents’ job. One boy said:”Mom works a lot, at home, at grocery. Dad sleeps all day.” I happened to know this guy’s parents, a working dad and a housewife mom. “Look, moms are so influential,” commented Peng.

In my dialogues with Claire, I rarely talked about her dad. Maybe, one day, I would become like my mom, who could not stop complaining of my dad when she called me on the phone. Maybe the best thing I can do, for a Father’s day, is to tell Claire that I love her dad so much and her dad loves me so much and we all love her so much. A Father’s day could be a family day.

Why I want my kid growing up normal

Reading the post  Why I don’t want my kid growing up normal written by Larinnac, I was deeply moved and would wish to have a mom like that. But in fact, I had a regular childhood and regular adolescence, as most of Chinese kids. We were so disciplined at home and at school, growing up to be a normal citizen and asking ourselves to be good. “Learn well, play moderately and keep safe, then you will have a better future,” my mom always told me. Although she didn’t mean that the present was unlivable, she always made us to dream the future. What is the freedom? We never questioned it.

I lived in a small village and at that time, the only way to leave the countryside was attending a college. “You will have a better life in a big city,”my mom encouraged me and I did believe the logic between a big city and a better life. So I did my best to be a good girl at shool. Then, more doors opened for me. I finally went to a medium city for my bachelor, then a big big city for ma graduate study.I finally I went abroad. Now I live in a country that my mom would never thought of twenty years ago.

Literature told me to be “Me”, to challenge stereotypes, to dream big and to try the impossible. I love literature. But still, for most of my life, I lived a normal life. Every time I came back home, my mom repeated:”learn well, play modestly and keep safe.” The longer distance between us caused her bigger worries.

Now I have a daughter and I am open for various ideas which my mom could never accept. Unconsciously, I tell my kid every day, “learn well and keep safe”, as if I become another person who’s identity is only “Mom”. “No!””No!””No!” I intervene my daughter’s freedom. Maybe because she has a fragile health and I don’t want her to take risks to be sick? Maybe I was too protective and only believe in myself?

I don’t let her to ride too fast on her scooter, neither to jump into the cold water. I have strict rules when it comes to food, especially treats. I told her to be nice to everyone, even others might to jump into the line or happen to push her. “Be nice and never fight,” I asked her to remember.”Concentrate yourself when teacher talks,””Be patient and polite,””Read everyday”…

But sometimes, I gave up my “healthy ideas”.I told her that every kind of cloths has its proper charm and that T shirt and pants could make her more comfortable in sports. She insisted that the others girls in her class wear like princess with their dress. “OK, have common topics and make friends,” I tried to buy her more dresses and tell her stories of princess.

I’m a serious mom, as my mom was. I will push my daughter to love school and homework. I hope she will succeed in studies and have a college degree. As my mom, I have nothing to afford her future life and my concern is modest: “find a job first to feed your life”. To meet a prince? It’s just a chance. Personally, I respect all LGBT and support their fight for deserved rights, but I don’t wish my kid to be anormal. The society is big and violent, but you are so small.

Yes, my sweetie, you can be a princess, a giant, a superhero, but for me, I want you to be normal and live a safe life, because I’m a selfish mom and can’t afford to see your cry. I admire writers, singers, artistes, pop stars and super political women, but, but, if you are one of them, Oh my little heart, I can’t sleep well.

Even I know already that you will not listen to me, but listen to your hear, as I did to my mom’s wishes, I want you to be a normal girl. Anyway, what I want is not important, it’s only useful to comfort me. What you want is important, but wait until you are grown up. I’m preparing you for a decent situation, to offer you more choices for your own path. Maybe I am wrong, forgive me to love you so much.

To change life, change mind first

Recently, there was a widespread article in the most popular Chinese social media Wechat, in which a middle-aged dad released the reasons why he chose to immigrate to the U.S. He was planning to buy an apartment near a good school district in Beijing, which would cost him 3 millions Yuans. But the day he was going to pay the guarantee deposit, the house owner raised the price by 300 000 Yuans. Disappointed with this change, the father decided to use the money on an investment program, which allowed him to get the green card of USA. He thought that life in Beijing was so stressful, including job, housing and education, but life in the U.S means good education, cheaper housing and quality of free time.

Soon, this article triggered different opinions, including those expressed by some American-Chinese people. Another father wrote a long response to this man, having gone through himself the similar experience. He now found that the reality was not as good as expected. Just talking about kids, the Asian children suffer a lot in study. So many suicides occurred in Asian family in California because of pressure. He provided many photos, which show that children spend so much time on math or other competition preparation after school, just as what children do in China. To be accepted by good universities, they should demonstrate more abilities and excellence in special fields. So Chinese parents anxiously look for good school and prepare their kids to artistic performance. If one wants to live nearby a good school, he should afford the high-priced housing.

I didn’t agree with the first father who dropped all just to follow his illusions of U.S. He believed naively all the advantages he could get in the new country. I didn’t agree neither with the second father who still sticks to the single-side definition of success. In many American cities, Asian people still believe that competition is the only way to make people stand out and that children must cherish every minute to prepare for their future.

One day, when dinning with our neighbors, my husband expressed his dream: send Claire to an excellent university, such as Harvard. Since our daughter wants to be a doctor, we should put aside a big amount of money and assure her proficiency in different materials.

“But if she turns out to be an artist?” suggested one old lady.

We didn’t answer. Indeed, Claire loves drawing and she made amazing pictures. But we never imagined an artist career for her, because it was portrayed with pain and misery.  But we cannot control a child’s future, neither their path. We always impose our own dream on our kids and make them accept our definition of success. That’s very stressful for them.

Now we are living in a new country, embracing a very different culture.  The fist thing to learn is to open our mind. If not, we are imprisoned in some biased thoughts. For example, for all Chinese, the optimal success of a child is being a student of Harvard. However, university is just a step of one’s life while life is long, very long.

I can do it !

It is really good thing for us that Claire is getting healthier and healthier. She indeed benefits the clean air here, but the most important thing is she takes more outdoor exercise. In weekends, we take her to nearby parks, partly because our life isn’t as diversified as in Shanghai.

When we were in Shanghai, her grandparents took her to walk around or go scooting in the residence. We lived in a small apartment in a tall building. Most of the kids in the community were raised by grandparents who live in the same apartment or nearby. Like other elders, my parents in law took good care of Claire but always overprotected her. They didn’t want to make mistake, especially with the only child. So it was forbidden to climb high, neither to ride the scooter too fast. If Claire wanted to try, they would say that it appeared dangerous. Be safe and don’t get injured is the golden rule for kids.

Claire is shy. Sometimes we thought that it might not be her real nature. Besides, my husband and me we are both extravert persons. She is shy because in her early years, she was always told not to do this, not to do that. She was always sick. Being sick made her learn to keep herself safe.

But now it’s time to build her confidence, first and especially in sports.

The other day, in the part, a little boy was climbing a ladder, which was too high for his age. But he kept saying “I can do it”. His father was at one meter away.The boy unfortunately missed his last step. I was really frightened. He didn’t fall down but made himself stick to the ladder with two legs in the air. Two seconds later, he began to cry and his mom ran to him.

If it happened in our residence in Shanghai, parents or grandparents would not allow the boy to try this ladder again, at least within several weeks. Even I was not sure to let my child try again. However, after wiping his tears, the boy’s mom encouraged him to do it again. He hesitated a while before his climbing but his face showed his determination.

I walked towards under the ladder, thinking that in case of any incident, I could help. Claire let him to go first, staring at him on the bottom.

“I can do it,” his little face turned to me, showing me that it was not necessary to be there to help. He really succeeded this time. I could not keep myself from saying “good job”!

This accident made me think a lot. Now every time we go to park, I encourage Claire not to stick to the swing, but to try other facilities. I keep saying “you can do it” and “good job”, two sentences that I heard most frequently in her preschool. If she needs my help, I will be there.

Now, she laughs a lot in sports time.

It’s too early to be competitive

Before bedtime, we always play educational games with Claire. Theses games are always simple and only the chance decides the winner. Claire doesn’t want to be the looser and enjoys a lot being the winner. Sometimes, if we win, she becomes very mad and even cries. Now,predicting the bad result, she gets nervous at the beginning of the play. “Give me some magic to let me win,” prays our daughter anxiously.

We tried several times to tell her that results were not important. We explained also what the chance means. But she refused to listen. She couldn’t accept the failure. If she doesn’t make any progress in something, she will just give it up.

I talked about this problem with her teacher at preschool. She pointed out that Claire had a big sense of competition and wanted to be competitive. It’s not bad to be competitive, but at her age, it’s too early to make oneself focus on it.

But why she sticks to the success ? is it related to our culture? or to her upbringing?

According to the teacher, kids in America are not very competitive, since they always play with siblings and participate in team games. They enjoy different roles in the game. Besides, teachers don’t focus on the best ones and never point out the importance to be the number One. Children can receive praise for different reasons.

On the contrary, we Chinese people indeed pay much more attention on competition. Sometimes we are even unconscious about it. For example, in our family, we asked Claire to be obedient. If she is being good, she can earn points and finally get a toy as recompense. It works but now Claire gets used to the logical: doing wright things only for the present. She skipped the middle and aimed the end. When she was little, all our family spoiled her with kinds of praise like ” your are the cleverest girl in the world”, “you are the most lovely baby”, etc. The comparison was overwhelming.

It’s very encouraging for us to have a competitive girl. We believe that she will dream big and make her efforts to chase her dreams. But it’s now our concern. In her childhood, we only want her to be happy. If she focuses a lot on the competition, not only she lose the pleasure of enjoying the middle of the activity, but also she may suffer from her failure.

Her teacher suggested us to play more games which have no opposite results. We also need to think  about our daily behaviour. Enjoy the game, enjoy all parts of the game.